So, I've discovered virtual worlds, via Inworldz.  I followed a mention made by one member of a MeetUp.Com group I participate in, to a group that does some spiritual stuff virtually.  It's an interesting concept, raising (and storing!) spiritual energy via the internet.  I know it's not a new idea, but it's a new experience for me.

I've been exploring their particular area, which is lovely.  It feels like Myst and/or Wild Divine, only with a fairie / fantasy slant.  My machine is really a bit slow for all of the graphics, so occasionally weird stuff happens.  Weird is harmless, though.

I actually completely spaced on the Recovery, Inc. meeting this past Monday.  I did my afternoon stuff, made dinner, hung out with those guys and, voila'!  Along about 10pm, I remembered.  D'oh!  I'll try again this next Monday.

I'd like to learn how to disconnect my "Take Things Personally" button.  So many things are not about me, they just sort of happen nearby, and I get so upset.  I don't want to Not Care, that feels wrong, but I'd like to not always be reacting as if someone is being deliberately nasty to me.

Reality vs. Delusions

I had an interesting thought yesterday.  To explain, here's a summation of the circumstances.

I thought I had some friends.  It turned out that I was wrong, I had some acquaintances.  Much of my, "I want to go home" stuff is because I'm lonely.  However, I'd still be lonely even if I went back to my previous city, because I've learned that I was delusional in the friend/acquaintance department.  So, much of my distress is not about location, it's about reality vs. delusional thinking.

See, I was happy, because I was delusional.  Now I'm less delusional, and I'm unhappy about it.  This delusion was all in my head, it was how I was thinking, not fact, that kept me content.  So, without becoming delusional again, what/how can I think to become more content in my new circumstances?

Rude People

I'm just sick to death of aspies.  I'm tired of always having to understand and not let my feelings get bruised when they are thoughtless and rude.  Which is apparently all the ever loving time.  I don't care that these particular aspies are my husband and children.  I just don't like them today.  I'd really like a different life, please.

And, because of my over developed responsibility gland, I won't leave them, even if they deserve it.  Not yet anyway.  Is there a difference between co-dependency and being overly responsible?

Crabby.  Sore.  Angry.  Lonely.

Pfui.

Debt Makes My Teeth Itch

There has been a small financial windfall at our house.  A retention bonus for that man from his employer.  (that he's worked at since all of October, yay!)

So we're in discussions as how to best use that money.  We accumulated too much debt after moving.  It's been worse in the past and I've paid it down, I don't see any reason to let it get that bad again.  And in this economy, I like it even less.

Now, I'm temperamentally allergic to debt.  My upbringing made me hate and fear any sort of debt.  It's a big piece of why I did not continue in college.  I couldn't pay for it without taking out loans, which I refused to do.  I was too scared of owing money.  I realized, years later, that it was a bone head decision.  But, what are you gonna' do?  Onward.

Anyhow, so that man does not worry about debt like I do.  He says it's unsecured and they can't do anything to us over it if anything horrible happens.  And, if something horrible happens, yes, we probably will lose the house.  The bank owns it anyway.  But debt still makes my teeth itch.

Outside of debt reduction, it's a new house.  It needs all sorts of things that could soak up this little bit of extra money 10 or 20 times over.   New oven, new stove, flooring in the living room, a furnace would be nice, new windows in the living room, a fence that actually keeps the dog in the yard, landscaping, omg landscaping.

So, instead of cleaning house, which was part of todays plan, we're going to Ikea.  I promised the boys new dressers well over a year ago.  Our compromise seems to be neither house things nor debt reduction but economic stimulation.  How did *that* happen?

Surgery Update

Went and saw the surgeon.  Everything is apparently fine.  There is a small pink & white knobby thing in my belly button, that he wants me to hot compress, but that's it.

All my questions got put out of my head when he told me that the fibroid had had an infarction.  (a heart attack, essentially)  It had lost its blood supply and was dead or dying.  I asked him if that meant if we'd left it all there, would things would have gotten better?  He said no, that it would have gotten all necrotic and rotten and deader and yuckier.  Ick.

We're having a False Spring right now.  It's sunny during the day, and gets near to 60 degrees F.  Apparently, the cold and rains and muck will come back in awhile and last through April-ish.  So, I keep opening the windows of the house, to air things out a bit.  And right now (early afternoon), I want to close the windows of my bedroom, wrap up in a quilt and go to sleep, leaving the rest of the house to be chilly.

I have mixed stuff going on.  Much of it is boredom.  I'm tired of my kids, I'm tired of my marriage, I'm just damn bored.  I realize that this probably means I'm boring to others as well, but, there you go.

This therapist lady I'm seeing is not overly useful or insightful yet.  Everything she says is so trite.  Maybe I've had enough talk therapy in my life?  I know what the answers are, I just don't like them, or I refuse to do some of them, because of the consequences.  I think she tried to fire me yesterday, asking if I wanted another session.  I'll use the two sessions I have already paid for, and then maybe I'll make another choice.

Somewhere else in blog-land, I found a reference to this:

http://www.recovery-inc.com/index.asp

It looks interesting, I'm going to be trying to contact them today and see about attending one of their meetings.

Blah

Nothing much to report.  Some gloominess is setting in, I am hoping it's just boredom.

No Title Yet

I find that I have skipped two days of posting.  Sigh.

Recovery continues, slower than I would like, but I'm still doing just fine, in a tired sort of way.  While I'm not 25 anymore, neither am I dead yet.

The homeschooling boy is going to transfer into a small, alternative, charter high school.  I hope it works better than what we have been doing.  That boy scares the socks off of me.  I worry that he won't get a high school diploma, that he'll never be employable and that he'll live with me for the rest of my life.  What the ever loving hell happens to him after I die?  Not to mention the, "OMG, I am never going to get my life back" issue.  Raising kids, I presumed the commitment had an end, that they would grow up and move away.  Silly me.

I just did a ritual, designed to transmute negative energy into positive energy.  I don't know if I *have* the energy to do ritual right now, what with healing and all, but it needed doing.  I am stepping up my magical/sorcerous behavior.  I chose this particular ritual because it was not complex and did not require wing of bat.  Some recipes are just discouraging to read, much less attempt.  There will be a follow up to todays ritual.  Probably tomorrow or on the weekend.  Sea salt was used, thoroughly moistened with peppermint oil.  I will dissolve the remains of the salt in water and cleanse the house with it.

Who Put This Monday Here?

I stole that title from my friends blog.  It seems so appropriate.  It's Monday, the one child has gone back to school, the other one is "homeschooling" this week, and that man has gone back to work.  Even though he went to work yesterday, too.

And, I'm tired.  I had explained to the homeschooler that he had to help me with chores this week.  And, now, when I say, do it, I'm getting some serious sighing and eye rolling.  I could just slap him.  I'm talking using the machines to do laundry here, folks, not painting the dining room.  Of course, all the homeschooling he was supposed to do last week?  Didn't happen, because I wasn't here to prod him along.  So he has twice as much to do this week, so he thinks he shouldn't have to help with the laundry.  I hate teenagers.  I may have to call and apologize to my mother again, for ever being one.

Also, that man had forgotten that he had to do school delivery this week.  I'm lucky I mentioned it last night, or I might have woken up pretty much abandoned.  And he doesn't have the brownie points banked to cover *that*. 

Basically, I'm dealing with the usual shit, with a much smaller amount than my regularly recommended amount of "cope" available.  I keep reminding myself of that.  Besides, I'm too damn tired to pack up and leave.  Do they count on that?  Of course not, they're aspies.  They are too thoughtless to think that far.

Right, Then

So, I had the surgery.  I'm told it went really well and I got out of the hospital in the time expected.  I'm sore and I'm not supposed to do a large variety of things for a while, while my core recovers, but mostly I'm okay.  I noticed yesterday that as the day progresses, I get more sore as I tire.  All to be expected.

I had some interesting thoughts and then questions about hospital care while I was in there.  It seemed that at the beginning, there was lots of care, but by the end, there was a passive-aggressive "go away" vibe going on.  I don't know if that's just how hospitals work, or if it was a product of how I was doing or what, but I know I didn't like it. 

Also, I had all these thoughts about getting into shape.  Because if getting older is going to include trips to hospitals, I should be in better shape for it.  It may have been the drugs talking.  I *think* about getting into better shape every day.  But it hasn't actually  happened, so I don't know that I should go counting on it just yet.

The house, as expected, was a pit when I got back.  The dishwasher had broken a day or two before surgery, and apparently the people I live with are incapable of doing dishes by hand.  Since I got back, that man has ripped out the dishwasher, fixed it, but not re-installed it.  That last bit should happen in a day or two, I think.  I went out to the kitchen a while a go and all the dirty dishes are gone and dishwasher is running.  So, progress, of a sort.

I will say that major surgery is at least distracting from all the emo shit.  Maybe I'll come down somewhere different when I'm all over the physical stuff.  That was hope that just happened right there, in public, wasn't it?  Remarkable.

I've been reading lots of pagan blogs and seeing some predictions for 2011 and one I read is particularly distressing, predicting *martial law* for around August.  Bleah.  I suppose I will start doing the stocking up/prepping thing again.

Nervous and Crabby

I have surgery tomorrow.  I will be doing laxatives today.  Oh joy.  I'm irritable.  That man is trying to 'be here' for me, and that is very annoying.  He's got the right idea, but it feels like too little, too late.  I've braced myself to do this without any emotional support, and his attempts are only illustrating that usually I have to do without.

Fuck Nice

Today, I got fed up.  I'm tired of being sad and depressed and frightened.  I got mad.

And that's not a bad thing, right now.  I say, Fuck Nice.  I keep waiting for the world to be nice back to me, to somehow reward me for my niceness.  It ain't working, I'm noticing.  I'm a timid old lady.  And I'm changing that, right now.

Focus

I am aware that I "should" focus on good things.  For my mental health and any desire to helpfully use the Law of Attraction / magick theory to my benefit.  What I don't know is how to go about this.  So many unpleasant things have happened, I'm just braced against any more.  And, of course, I get to feel guilty/responsible for those things, BECAUSE of the LoA / magick theory.  Thanks so much, over-developed responsibility gland.  I get to blame myself for the ugly bits, but don't get to change the future.  Bleah.  Talk about learned helplessness.

Currently choosing numb, because anything else involves crying.

Maybe I should do what that cancer guy did a couple of decades ago and just rent a huge amount of comedies and watch them repeatedly, just to practise laughing.

Wrote This Elsewhere Today, Saving Here

During the recent economic unpleasantness, my favorite hubby got laid off up in Portland and could not find anything else there. He found a job in Silicon Valley, though. So, here we are. I had lived in Portland for 18 years, considered it my home and was quite reluctant to leave.

It has been a hell of a couple years for me, with various and diverse alarums, disappointments and personal setbacks. I want desperately to not be sad or depressed or frightened anymore, so I've only just started seeing a counselor. (second appointment tomorrow...) While I really should meet people and make some new friends, I worry that I'm currently too crabby and self-absorbed to actually do so.

Historically, I would say that I'm poly, that I just up and fall in love and see no problem with loves overlapping. Pretty damn quick, too. However, it's been years since I've done that. Probably because I had not met many new men in those years, either. Also, I've developed a certain cautious diffidence, as I try to be an actual grown-up and pay attention to the realities, rather than the fantasy. I'm willing to indulge in hope, yet I don't want to be completely naive, as I have done so often in the past.

So much for consistency

I spent so much time reading other blogs yesterday, I "forgot" to post. 

I will say, there are a lot of interesting people saying stuff out here.  I seriously doubt that I will be one of them anytime soon.  This is more a private thing, I wonder why I'm putting it out for anyone in the world to peer at?

I've spent several days doing nothing.  And that's exhausting.  So I'm doing piles of laundry today, and running a few necessary errands.  Today is the last day of winter break, school starts up again for the boys tomorrow, and I've got a busy week of health related activities, including a hysterectomy on Wednesday, that will sort of fill of the following several days.  There's an appointment with the nice counselor lady tomorrow, too.  I never can see what the point of counseling is in advance, but I keep going back.  Hope springs eternal and all that.

I'm tired.  And lonely.  And bored.  And bored of being depressed, if that makes any sense.  But sad seems to be taking the cake these days. 

I just don't see the point anymore.  I can't tell you want I want to do/be/have, all I can do is point to most of the things surrounding me and say, "Not THIS.  Not this.  Oh dear Goddess, no more of this."  <sniff>

I'm tired of crying, too.