So, I've spent much of my life looking for community. I've also noticed that people tend to keep their distance from me. Which would explain why I look for community, as it's often lonely out there.
I have a thing. I can't see it or explain it, it is invisible to me. I can only describe it's effects. The world keeps its distance, there is a glass wall. People are perfectly pleasant, but not overly friendly. What is the common denominator? Ummm, yours truly. I have presumed for some years that I give off some kind of distancing vibe. I don't know if it says, "fuck off" or, "I'm a little busy just now, please go away" or even if it varies between the two, but people seem to slide by me. Or I slide by them, somehow just not being able to connect in a significant *enough* fashion. (enough for me, that is) I end up with acquaintances, when I think I have friends.
We can insert all sorts of stuff about being raised Roman Catholic, in a dysfunctional family, about my essential distrust of people, about my cautious, possibly paranoid outlook on life. Blah, blah, blah. What can I do, today, to find a door through the glass wall? My family of origin? Well, the wall can stay up for them. But, if I'm lucky, I've got another 40 years of life in front of me, and I want it to be different than the years behind me. So, *I* have to do the changing, as the world is bigger than I am.
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