Emotional Fallout, Some Background

Isn't this fun?

When I was about 11, my father's business partner screwed him over and the business went bust.  My father then sat on our living room sofa for about 3 or 4 years, watching the 700 Club.  He got religion.  He also refused to go bankrupt, and eventually prided himself on having paid off all the creditors.  My family was very broke for a very long time.  We ate, and I think my grandmother paid the mortgage, but it was shoes-were-an-issue kind of broke.

One ripple effect result of that, was that when I was looking at college and they talked about loans and debt, I balked.  I didn't go to college, I went to work.  Secretarial type stuff.  I never made much, but I paid my bills.

30 years of history, blah, blah, blah.  Married, stay at home mom, autistic kids, house, credit cards, etc.

So, here I am, 50+ years old, with all the American Dream stuff piled up in my head.  And I'm absolutely mortified that I can't pay my bills.  It feels a moral, personal failure, as well as a financial one.  I feel like a *bad person*, like I'm *guilty* of some heinous deed.

Intellectually, I know, that is just not right.  I'm realizing that my take on reality is somewhat skewed.  I don't know what reality actually is, all I've discovered is that, as one of the blind men examining the elephant, it's bigger than I thought.

It's very easy to slip into anger right now.  There's guilt or anger.  Anger is certainly more entertaining and invigorating than guilt.  I can blame politicians or the 1%, easy enough.  But that doesn't solve my problems, any more than guilt does.

Oh hey, and I notice I'm not mentioning Fear.  Funny, that, because it's a major player these days.  Avoidance, much?