This weekend, B is out of town, doing the poly thing up north. I resent that he gets to go home and I don't, but not the poly part. Of course, I *can't* go home. I'd have no one to see and no where to stay. I've got a lot of bitterness about that. So, I do want to go home someday, but maybe not Pdx. Maybe Corvallis or Salem or something like that.
I spend a lot of time numb. When something does get all the way through to me, it's intense and usually makes me cry. I saw a therapist/counselor person yesterday for the first time. She seemed nice enough. It took the whole hour to just outline what's making me so damn depressed, much less go into any detail. She responded with several comments about loss. At least she was listening. It still bothers me that I have to pay someone to listen to, and validate, my grief. Got another appointment on Monday, then the surgery happens and I won't see her again for a couple of weeks while I get over that.
And, I'm effing cold. The middle California coast is not warm and sunshiny. This weird house has no central heating, a defect I hope to fix before this time next year. Pellet stoves. Poorly placed pellet stoves in what appears to be a poorly insulated house. (it's California, where apparently they don't believe in insulation for mountain cabins)
It may be tough, to find a way to not over indulge in simple whining while still managing to talk about what's going on with me.
No comments:
Post a Comment