I gave up and gave in. I went and asked for, and got, anti-depressants. I got them from my nice internist, and have an appointment in A MONTH to see a prescribing psychiatrist.
Now, I hate and despise anti-depressants. I probably shouldn't, but I do anyway. They are fabulous drugs, they help me climb out of the Pit Of Despair and feel vaguely normal. Whatever that is. However, I have had a couple of prescribers push me into taking them "forever", as a prophylactic measure. This does not work out well for me. After taking one for awhile, I get this strange sort of *click* in my head, where I know I'm done. If I continue taking them for too long after that place, I get to another place, one where I have very few emotions at all. I call it FLAT. It's not numb, I know numb. It's some other place, where I Just Don't Care About Anything. It would be scary, if I was capable of feeling scared. I guess it's intellectually scary. To quote Leonard Nemoy, I Am Not Spock, because it's not like I'm any more logical than usual for me, I'm just emotionless. Whatever it is, it is Not Good.
So, I will do this druggy thing, for maybe 6 months, until the click happens. I have explained this to the internist, and I will explain it to the prescribing psychiatrist. When I am done, I will take advice on how to taper off safely, but I will indeed stop. That place of feeling so flat? I'm not going there again. Too dangerous.
